Grateful, Terrified, Excited

I recently found out I had been successful in applying for DYCP funding from the Arts Council England. Amazing news. But I have hardly told anyone. And I feel... well, it’s been a long wait, so I’m finding the success difficult!

I thought it might be useful to share, as speaking to other arts practitioners I am aware some of the issues I face are very familiar.

Waiting and the erosion of confidence

Time out of your professional practice slowly erodes confidence and plays into self-doubt.

Firstly, it’s been a long time since I had a successful ACE bid. Actually, it’s my first success at any bid or application for anything creative for a really long time.

A friend of mine works for Jobcentre UK, and she told me that research shows how confidence dips surprisingly quickly during periods of unemployment, with psychological well-being falling within the first few months being out of work and persisting even after re-employment. A lot of us freelancers can relate to this. Like many other artists, I frequently switch between hugely differing roles, so there have been many times in my career I’ve had to step back into a job role after months, sometimes years, away from that practice. Each time… terrifying. And don’t even get me started on what happens when you have babies!

So no wonder I even get anxious returning to teaching after the long break from May to October, and that’s in a place I’ve been Associate Lecturer for 8 years. No wonder I’m terrified at the thought of making or performing work again, even though I’ve done it my whole life, in numerous guises. It’s been my lead profession, I’m good at it (!), but I still feel like an imposter.

Self-Doubt

How does it manifest in you?

For me, it manifests itself in allowing other things (people, responsibilities, tasks, outside noise or chaos) to distract me. I can easily allow myself to prioritise other ‘jobs’ and then I get annoyed at myself for allowing that to happen. But when I have time scheduled in for other people/artists/clients, I absolutely prioritise and commit to upholding those commitments and following them through. No problem, no distractions. That is why having a neutral space outside the home has always been crucial when it comes to my own work- walking past the pile of washing up is a challenge in your own house…although I did ignore it today as I was looking forward to finishing this blog! 

So writing this blog is a deliberate challenge I’ve set myself to kickstarting my DYCP. It’s achievable because I like writing, so I’ll be focused and committed to finishing it- like being immersed in a new creation. So what am I waiting for? And why am I feeling more like a timid little mouse than the bold, daring performer of my past?

Diversifying to Survive

I used to be a lot more self-centred- no problem. Having a family doesn’t help, they pull you in all directions except your own, no-one’s fault, just the way it is. It’s called responsibility and comes in all shapes and sizes.

However, I have also felt a correlation between diminishing confidence/courage and the decline in arts funding. With the subsequent fall in work offers for freelancers, and the challenge of sustaining a profession based around your own work and projects, suddenly your ‘job’ feels like a risky hobby, rather than an actual profession.

To cope with the fall in demand, I’ve diversified my skillset and at times needed to branch out a long way from my ‘creative centre’ to stay afloat in this struggling industry. It can be hard to come back and find your centre again. When I’m asked what I’ve been doing work wise, my brain goes into panic trying to reel in all the various floating balloons and tether them to some kind of articulate package of ‘what I do for a living’. Depending on the person I’m speaking to, I cherry pick the bits that I feel might be most relatable to them and…it’s exhausting.

The Projects That Nearly Break You

My last ACE project grant (for the touring of Now You See It in 2017-18) nearly finished me off. I was encouraged and supported to be ambitious, making a solo for theatrical spaces that needed depth and width to dance big, height to make me appear small, and a good lighting rig to achieve the key effects- like disappearing behind a wall of haze.

I managed to shift tour dates numerous times, get through critical dates like Brighton Festival on the little reserves I had to pay technicians, and cobble together enough teaching work at the last minute to pay the bills.

After that, I knew I needed to prioritise other work and couldn’t risk putting myself and my family in that position again. Then came pregnancy number three in 2019, then lockdown, and lots of additional health and wellbeing stresses within the family. Somehow in amongst that I was still managing to apply for numerous callouts and dream up new ideas and projects. None came to fruition, but in hindsight that gave me time to heal and reflect.

Staying Sane

Eventually it was an investment in academic study that gave me the respite, structure and injection of creativity I needed. These 2 years were amazing.

I had been dreaming up a way to do an MA before I fell pregnant, inspired by peers who had done one later in their careers and wanting to use my brain and interrogate my practice in a different way away from box ticking.

I was lucky enough to qualify for help from Dancers Career Development (DCD), something I made sure of years before when in Rambert Dance Company (I left after exactly 5 years, the minimum requirement within one of the partner companies to qualify for maximum career development support) and made up the rest through my freelance work. I would never have been able to afford to do the MA without that DCD grant, a student loan, Trinity Laban bursary, Gill Clarke bursary, and part-time work alongside. Studying is a huge commitment of time and finances (especially if you need to factor in childcare) but I can’t recommend it enough.

I am so proud of the work I explored and produced on the MA: Creative Practice I had never cared much about academic grading before, but I was determined to push myself to the edges of what I was capable of and to demonstrate my best work, so I expected and relished the results I received.

And yet… I don’t place this achievement alongside my other arts projects. I’ve compartmentalised it. When applying for ACE or other funding opportunities I’m very aware that it will not go in my favour to mention it, so it becomes a void in the timeline of my creative ventures. That feels odd and problematic because it has majorly informed and impacted my practice going forwards. It produced some great research that has been shared across audiences- my film was screened at various international film festivals, my live work presented to an audience at Laban Theatre, and my thesis published online. I’m the first in my family to achieve a Masters and it was a huge financial and personal investment in developing my artistry.

Rejections and Persistence

After 5+ years of rejections from numerous callouts, development opportunities, job applications etc. I decided to return to the ACE to get a new project off the ground.

I had lost my nerve, and, as everyone knows, the application process is an assault course, so If it wasn’t for the brilliant Vicki Balaam walking and supporting me through the whole process I would never have got there-especially since the project involved working with subject matter and lived experiences that were challenging to me and some of the collaborators involved.

Sadly, after four funding rejections and over a year of hard graft building and rebuilding the project and its partners, I decided it was not meant to be. I say that with some emotion but mostly pragmatism. In the end, it’s about distribution of energy.

So instead, I thought I’d have a crack at a DYCP. I had an idea and focus that felt like a good fit for the criteria, and a surge of strength and purpose in articulating it. In the writing of it, I felt at times like an impartial outsider or protagonist in the process of designing the perfect provocation for an artist like me. Knowing success was unlikely, all I could do was go all in with the most challenging version for developing my creative practice.

Gold Dust

I know how hard it is to get one of these grants. They are gold dust these days.

I am so grateful to have been successful. I am in shock to have been successful. I am still waiting for the grant to be processed and won’t fully believe I have been successful until the money reaches my account.

I am probably not meant to say this, but I have also been feeling a little frozen. Overwhelmed by what it means to finally receive a yes. Plagued by a real fear of completing the activity I mapped out for myself. Feeling like it was written with another me in mind- the brave, sassy, playful, curious, watchable, funny, talented performer me… Who the hell is that anyway?!!! Or maybe more realistically, what is she now?

Sounds a bit self indulgent when I put that in writing. Makes me wanna tell myself to “shut up and get a grip!” That just highlights how we are never one thing. But writing this down helps to quash some of the fear and allow the multiple real-life and performance personas to become a little less multiple and a little more aligned in their desire to collaborate again.

Reclaiming Joy

My DYCP is called “Reclaiming Joy: Comedy As A Strategy In Socially Engaged Practice.”

There are a lot of things that feel very dark in the world right now. There are things happening close to me that are very challenging. Most of the work I do involves engaging with, and holding space within, socially engaged creative health practices. It is hard to stay connected to lightness. But we are screaming out for it. The groups I work with are yearning for it. For example, the women from Rise domestic abuse charity specifically asked to explore ‘free and joyful’ dance and movement, and the East Brighton women’s wellbeing group wanted to connect through relaxation and laughter.

That is the challenge that I have given myself, at a time where it feels difficult but most necessary. I’ll talk more about the specific creative challenges I’ve given myself and why in another blog. But if anyone is finding ways to actively explore creative freedom, risk, rebellion, humour, lightness and honesty right now, please share your insights!